When Everything Goes To Hell
by FreakingOutFangirling
Summary: After the break-up in COLS, Alec is left feeling miserable and worthless, hating himself for what he did. Will anyone be able to save him from his downward spiral? Or will they be too late?
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This is my first time writing angst so I'd really love any reviews.**

 **WARNING: The second part of this could be triggering for some people.**

 **Disclaimer: None of the stuff in italics belongs to me, that's straight from COLS.**

 **Enjoy :)**

" _It's over. I don't want to see you again, Alec."_

" _You didn't trust me. You never have."_

Alec screamed as he threw himself down onto his bed, burying his face deep into the pillow and clenching the sheets either side of him into fists as if it were the one thing keeping him tethered to his sanity.

"Stupid. You are so, so stupid," he wept into the pillow, the cushy fabric muffling his cries into distant whimpers.

As he had watched Magnus walk away from him in the pouring rain, some part of him had hoped that he would look back, that Magnus would be able find it in himself to forgive him. But he didn't. He carried on walking until all Alec could see in front of him was the once bright graffiti on the walls, long ago deteriorated into unrecognisable fragments of washed-out colour. His heart shattered into a billion little fragments, because that was when he'd realised. Magnus wasn't coming back. He would never come back because what Alec did was an act of ultimate betrayal. He had betrayed his one true love, and this was his punishment. He deserved this pain.

"He was too good for me."

Alec sat up on the bed, clutching the pillow to his chest and bowing his head into his hands.

"I wasn't good enough for him."

But as his cries slowly quietened, he began to understand that it wasn't that he wasn't good enough, after all Magnus wasn't exactly a saint. But Magnus was right about one thing, it wasn't just a mistake. It was Alec's fault for not trusting him. His fault for going to Camille. His fault for ruining the best thing that had ever happened to him. Alec straightened up on the bed, releasing his grip on the pillow, his expression hardening as he realised that he didn't deserve the comfort that crying brought him. He didn't deserve to mourn his loss. After all, if he had been more loyal then this would have never happened. Instead of sat here crying, he would be at Magnus' right now. They probably would have cuddled up together on the couch and turned on the TV. But they wouldn't be watching it. They would have been too busy staring at each other, studying every feature of the man that they loved. Blue eyes meeting golden-green.

" _It doesn't change what you did."_

"He doesn't love me anymore," Alec stated, his voice flat and cold.

With that thought, he slowly got up from the bed and walked over to the bathroom, his movements stiff from the after-effects of the freezing rain. As he stared at himself in front of the mirror, he started to wonder what Magnus ever saw in him. He stood there, scrutinising every feature, every mark, until finally he blinked, tired from his staring contest with himself and went to turn on the shower. But as he turned around, a slight glint of metal burst out at him. Alec stared at it, time seeming to slow down as he studied the smooth curve of the handle, contrasting with the sharp, rough edge of the blade. He stared some more, blood rushing in his ears like a torrent waterfall, drowning out the world around him.

Carefully, Alec walked over and picked up the blade, a million thoughts rushing through his brain. He thought back to a documentary he had seen last month on depression. It had mentioned how some people would harm themselves to take away the pain. They had described the rush that they felt when the blade finally pierced their skin, and how just for a second, their mind was clear. Ever since that day Alec had wondered what it would be like, whether it actually felt like they described.

" _I'm tired of being their pet warlock."_

Alec didn't even realise he'd done it, but as he looked down he noticed a small bead of red blood trickling out of small cut on his wrist. He watched in rapt fascination as it created a path down his arm, leaving a faint trail behind it and then dripping down onto the floor below him. There was silence in the room as Alec stared at the small drop of red on the floor. Then, slowly he took the razor and pressed in to his skin, slowly pushing harder and harder until, finally, it pierced his skin with a stinging pop. Dragging it down his wrist he watched in astonishment as a wave of blood pulsed out of the cut, running down his hand, coating his fingers and staining the floor red.

"By the angel," Alec murmured. As it turned out, those people were right. Alec's attention was focused solely on the stinging pain of his cut wrist, so much that someone could have started a war in that very room and he wouldn't have noticed. For the first time after the fight, Alec's mind was ringing with clarity. So he did it again, and again, and again. Wave after wave of the thick red liquid poured down his arm. His mind started to go blurry, eyes suddenly jolting open, even though he hadn't realised he'd closed them. The room around him was becoming a blur of white. Then the darkness swept in, and all he could see was black.

* * *

 **A/N: I was originally planning to do this as a oneshot but I liked how it ended here…well, not liked exactly cause Alec's not really doing too good but…yeah. Anyway, I'm writing the next/final chapter now so it should be up later today :)**


	2. Chapter 2

Magnus stared at his bedroom wall unblinkingly, the shimmering gold paint far too bright for his current mood. He hadn't wanted to believe Camille, he never would have thought that Alec could betray him like that, but when he saw Alec's dark figure emerging from around the street corner and realised that, for once, Camille wasn't lying, the disloyalty of his actions struck Magnus in the heart like a spear. He didn't trust him. Alec; the man he loved. Didn't trust him. Discomfort had settled in Magnus' heart, slowly filling him up more and more until he felt he was ready to explode. Slowly, when he was just at breaking point he'd walked out of the shadows to confront the Nephilim.

It had hurt Magnus far more than he showed. Walking away from Alec like that was one of the hardest things he'd ever done. Alec may have betrayed his love, but that didn't change how Magnus felt for him. He'd had to pinch himself to keep from looking back, not knowing whether he'd have the will to carry on walking if he caught sight of those captivating blue eyes that had drawn him to Alec from the very beginning.

He felt small tears starting to form as he thought of the shadowhunter who had captured his heart, his face scrunching up in an effort to stop them, however one still managed to escape from the prison of his eyes, and Magnus traced the salty trail on his cheek in astonishment. He hadn't cried in years, and especially not over a breakup. But then again, Alec wasn't like all the other people Magnus had spent nights with over the years. Alec was, well- he was just, Alec. Protective, determined, innocent and simply beautiful inside and out.

"Damn it," Magnus sighed. He wasn't this person, Magnus Bane did not pine over boys, and he most certainly did not cry over them. But he couldn't seem to stop himself, and as more crystalline tears began to drip down his cheeks, Magnus finally accepted that there was no use in trying to stop them. After all, it was only fitting that the boy who he'd fallen so irrevocably in love with was the cause of these tears.

Magnus laid back on his silken bed, the faint scent of Alec lingering on the pillows, comforting and torturing him at the same time. Magnus reached over and plucked Chairman Meow up from where he was perched, cuddling the tabby close to his chest, Magnus closed his eyes and prayed that sleep wouldn't evade him. Slowly twisting his head so that the soft lingering scent of sandalwood invaded his senses, comforting him in his pain.

* * *

"Magnus...Magnus!..MAGNUS!"

"Huh, what?" he snapped jolting up from his shaky sleep, only to get the shock of his life as his head crashed into that of an arrogant blond above him.

"Jace, what the hell are you doing here? Get out!"

"Look, please Magnus, we need your help, A-"

"No," he stated firmly." As I told Alec, I'm done being your pet."

"As you told-what? Magnus, please. I have no idea what's going on but what I do know is that Izzy just rang me, screaming about Alec being in serious danger and that I need to come and get you."

Magnus stared up at Jace with wide eyes. Danger? What did that even mean? Was Izzy just freaking out over a minor demon injury or was Alec…His eyes widened as possible thoughts raced through his mind: kidnap, torture, oh hell, what if Alec was dead? What if he was lying in a gutter somewhere all alone suffering his last moments and thinking Magnus hated him, what if he had been attacked and left with his organs burning into dust, what if-

A harsh crack sounded in the room moments before Magnus felt the stinging pain of a slap around his face. He looked up in shock at the shadowhunter before him, and realised with a jolt that he was shaking uncontrollably, tears now pouring down his face.

"Um, sorry about that,"Jace stammered." You just wouldn't respond to your name and violence is kind of my autopilot."

"I-I'll forgive you this once, Herondale." Magnus replied, obviously trying to brush off the embarrassment of the Golden Asshole seeing him like that. "Do it again, I'll turn you into a ferret."

Jace rolled his eyes. "Okay, whatever. Now come on, Alec needs us. Now."

It only took Magnus a moment to make his choice, Alec may have betrayed him, but he couldn't leave him alone if he needed his help. "Let's go," Magnus replied, with a new-found determination.

But Magnus' resolution was thrown into outer space the second he walked through the door into Alec's bedroom. Nothing could have ever prepared him for what he saw. Lying on the floor next to the bathroom door was Alec, his face grey, eyes dull, hair clumped together with so much mud that it looked brown. But worst of all was the blood. His entire left arm was hidden behind a layer of red, the liquid pooling around his body, staining any skin that it reached. Magnus was shaken to the core as he noticed the jagged cuts up his arm, one after the other, each getting more and more deep the higher they went.

"Out," Magnus ordered. Izzy and Jace looked at each other, communicating silently before they simultaneously got up and moved towards the door.

"Please help him Magnus," Izzy whispered desperately as she passed by him. "I can't lose another brother."

Magnus gave her a small, sympathetic nod, before turning and slowly walking over to Alec, peering down at his slashed body in absolute despair. Then, the second he heard the door click shut, he collapsed down onto his knees in a heap and wept.

"Oh, Alexander," he cried, once again letting the tears flow freely. He pulled Alec's head onto his lap, not at all bothered about the blood staining his designer jeans, and cradling his face in his hands, he immediately started to chant spell after spell, apply remedy after remedy to his injuries, and all the while tears dripped steadily down onto his body.

However, hours later Alec was still unconscious, and Magnus had collapsed in an exhausted heap next to him. He had tried absolutely everything and drained all of his magic. Although he hated saying it, it was completely down to Alec whether or not he recovered now.

Summoning the last ounces of his strength, Magnus shuffled over to lie down next to the boy, leaning up on his elbow and running a lithe had over his face in a caress, before carefully placing a gentle kiss onto his cracked lips, and pressing their foreheads together.

"Please, Alec. Please fight for me. I don't know what I'd do if you died. You're everything to me." Moments later, after he let a few more tears fall he whispered against his lover's lips again: "It's my fault, isn't it? It's my fault that you did this, that you're-" but he couldn't say it.

"You know what, I should go. I'll get Izzy or Jace, they deserve to be with you a lot more than I do."

Magnus stood up to go, but as he took a step towards the door, a small, weak voice sounded behind him, "Don't leave me again."

Magnus spun around so fast he gave himself whiplash, immediately throwing himself down next to the boy and staring into his closed eyes, his gaze flickering over them for any sign of movement. "Alec?" He whispered. And like an unfolding rose, Magnus watched in astonishment as Alec's eyes slowly flickered open, revealing the bright sapphire orbs underneath. "Alec!" Magnus sobbed, throwing his head down and snuggling deep into his neck before placing soft, loving kisses everywhere that he could reach.

"I'm so, so sorry," he wept. "I thought you were going to die, I thought-"

"Shh," Alec soothed. "It's alright Magnus, I'm fine."

Magnus raised his head suddenly and stared boringly into the depths of Alec's eyes, his cat eyes piercing him like a film. "Never. And I repeat, NEVER, do that again. If I ever see another cut on your arm you will be in serious trouble Alexander Lightwood. What the hell were you thinking?"

Had Alec not known Magnus, he would have been terrified by his tone of voice, but the subtle crack at the end of his sentence that only someone who knew him well would have caught had instead made Alec want to cry. "I- I just wanted to take the pain away. I-I love you Magnus, and the fact that I betrayed you; I just couldn't deal with it. I was weak and stupid."

Magnus sighed, "Alec, darling, listen to me. I won't lie, when you did that you ripped away every piece of trust I had in you, and it's going to take a long time for you to regain that trust because you have no idea how angry I am that you did that. However," Magnus continued as he saw Alec shrink back at his words, "one day, Alec. One day I promise that I will be able to forgive you. I can't promise you how long it will take, but you mean too damn much to me to let you go forever."

"But, I thought that you didn't love me anymore," Alec replied, confused. "How could someone as amazing as you ever love a screw-up like me?"

"Alec honey, you're not a screw up. You made a mistake, and I was wrong to judge you for that. You're only human, after all. Now, I want you to promise me that you won't keep on punishing yourself for this. It was my fault for keeping secrets from you, and someday, as long as you give me some space for a while, I will tell you each and every one of those secrets. Okay?"

"Okay," Alec whispered, a small smile rising on his pale face. "I can do that."

Magnus gazed into the eyes of his love, and after only recognising the truth in them, he grinned and connected their lips in a loving kiss, pouring all of his emotion from the last day into his actions, smiling against Alec's lips as he felt him doing the same, and by pulling the strength from knowing that one day, they would be together again, Magnus gently pulled away, placing one last, lingering kiss on Alec's lips before whispering: "Aku cinta kamu," into the silence of the night, before slowly getting up and walking to the door, turning around and meeting those gorgeous eyes with his. But this time, they didn't beckon him back, instead, the love and acceptance he saw in them was what made him walk away, feeling at peace as he knew that Alec was safe, and that one day, they would be reunited again.

 **A/N: Yay for fluffy endings! I couldn't bear to let them be heartbroken for long. Anyone catch the Harry Potter reference by the way? I didn't actually realise it was there until I was spell checking it :)**


End file.
